Apologizing to Kids
Why apologizing to your kids is so important and how to do it sincerely
There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and striving to be one may mean you are missing out on opportunities for repair. Every parent knows that parenthood is riddled with mistakes. Because parenting is based on a relationship, ruptures will inevitably happen. The good news is that the ruptures won’t define the relationship if proper repairs are made. Learning to sincerely apologize to your children means you can make repairs and not jeopardize your relationship with them.
Apologizing to kids can feel really hard for a number of reasons. First it requires you to acknowledge that you made a mistake. This can be hard to admit, especially since as parents, we like to think we are doing what is best for our kids. Remember, repairing ruptures is what is best for your kids! Apologizing requires you to find calm and regulation for yourself. It’s hard to give a sincere apology when you are amped up. You have to own up to your own feelings and actions, which can be a hard and sometimes painful experience.
Apologizing can feel counterproductive. When things are hard, it can feel like you need to teach your kid a lesson or not give in. It can feel like if you apologize, you will lose control. In reality, apologies will help to strengthen the relationship you have with your child. Apologies require you to release your children of blame for your feelings and actions. It can be helpful to remember that your job is to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. Your children are not responsible for your feelings, you are.
You can apologize to your children at any age or stage. Here are some examples of what that might sound like.
Newborn:
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t as gentle as I could have been during your diaper change. I was feeling frustrated and tired. It is okay for me to feel frustrated, but it isn’t okay for me to treat you like that. I’m sure it didn’t feel good when I was rough. I will try harder next time to be gentle with you. I love you so much.”
Note:
It is never too early to start apologizing to your baby.
Apologies should never include “you made me feel ____.” Your feelings are yours to own, not your kids.
Ending an apology with love helps to restore connection with them.
Toddler:
“I’m so sorry I threw your food away when you refused to eat. I was feeling angry, but you do not deserve to be treated like that. Scary mommy came out and I am so sorry if I scared you. Can I have a do-over?”
Note:
An apology is not the time to teach or lecture.
Acknowledging how it might have felt for your child helps to show that you understand that you hurt them
Asking for do-overs is a way of making amends
Preschool:
“I’m so sorry I said I would leave you behind when we were leaving the house. I know that must have felt scary for you, and I want you to know I would never leave you behind. I was feeling stressed but it isn’t okay for me to threaten you. Would you like to hold my hand while we walk to the car?
Note:
Be concise about the action you are apologizing for.
Keep the focus on your action (threatening) instead of your child’s (not moving fast enough).
School-Age:
“I’m so sorry I snapped at you. I have been having a really hard day, but you don’t deserve to be yelled at. When I get mad, it’s my job to express my feelings in a way that won’t hurt you. Let me try again…”
Note:
If you catch yourself in the moment, take a breath and apologize as soon as you can.
By “trying again” you are able to model how to acknowledge your mistakes and move forward constructively.
A few things to remember:
Apologies include owning your feelings and actions. Your children didn't make you feel this way or act this way, you are fully in charge of your own feelings and actions.
A child is always deserving of an apology if you did something that caused them harm, regardless of their age or behavior.
An apology is not the time to teach or lecture your child about how they were doing something wrong
Find ways to make amends and restore connection after an apology. Your child may not be ready to forgive you yet, and that is okay. You don’t need to ask them for forgiveness, as this puts a lot of pressure on them to make you feel better. That is not the point of an apology.
Apologizing to your kiddos is important for a number of reasons. It will help you to maintain a strong and secure relationship with your child through the mistakes you make as a parent. It also provides a strong and important model of sincere apology. They will learn the nuance of relationships with the ups and downs, how to acknowledge when they do something hurtful, and how to make amends.
