Talking To Young Children About Death and Dying

Death and dying are hard and uncomfortable topics. Grown ups often have a hard time talking to others about it, and articulating these tough subjects with kiddos is even harder. So often we want to shield our children from the tough realities of death by hiding our own emotions, using vague language, or not bringing it up at all. Instead, we can discuss death with them in developmentally appropriate ways. When discussing death and dying with your children, here are a few tips to help:

Use clear and concrete language

Our inclination may be to use softer language with kids and use language like "passed," "resting," "sleep," “lost,” etc. However, these words may lead to confusion and fear for your child. When somebody has died, make sure to use very clear words like death, dead, and died.

Instead of - “Auntie is resting now.” Try - “Auntie has died”

Explain death and dying in clear terms

Depending on the age and experiences of your child, they may not fully understand what death or dying means. By using clear examples, we can help them understand the permanence of it. It is important to communicate what dead means and that they will not become alive again.

Try -”When someone dies, they are no longer alive. That means they can no longer talk, or eat, or breath, or poop. They cannot feel, or think, or play. They won't be able to come visit or give us hugs, or talk on the phone. When someone dies, they can’t be alive again.”

Allow for and accept all emotions

Children may not express grief in a similar way to adults. They may seem totally okay with it. They may have times where they are sad and other times where they seem fine. They may make comments or do things that are silly or may seem insensitive. It is okay for them to see that you are sad. Let them know that their emotions are okay and that you are always there for them for a hug or to talk. It’s okay if your child doesn’t want to talk about it.

Try - “I am feeling very sad that Papa died. When I'm sad, sometimes I cry. It's okay if you feel like you want to cry too. I’m here to talk to you whenever you need"

Be prepared to answer questions

When a loved one dies, children may have lots of questions about death and dying. It is a good idea to prepare for some of these questions that might come up, as well as being flexible for other questions.

Question - “What happens after you die?”
Try - “Nobody really knows. But different people believe different things. I believe…., what do you think?” (It’s okay to tell your child what you believe)

Question - “When will you/I die?”
Try - “We never really know for sure when someone will die, but most people die when they get very old.” (It’s normal for children to start to ponder yours or their own deaths.)

Question - “Why did they die?”
Try - “Grandma was very old and her body was no longer able to keep her alive.” or “Nana has cancer. It has made her very very sick. the doctors tried their very best to help her, but the cancer made her too sick. She isn’t going to get better and she will die because of her illness.” (You can explain honestly what happened to your child in an age appropriate way.)

Expect death and dying to come up in your child’s play

While you don't need to specifically set up play themes around death and dying for your child, do not be surprised if you find them acting out different scenarios relating to death in their play.

While it may seem morbid through an adult lens, remember that play is how young children process things that are happening in their world. Themes of death may pop up in their play in the days, weeks, and months after someone dies. Allow space for this to happen.

Offer ways to help your child process grief

Giving your child tangible things they can do to talk about their feelings and grief can be really helpful. You can talk about the different ways that people can remember people and keep your love for them alive. Looking at pictures together, talking about memories, making art, doing some of that person’s favorite things, write them a letter, and more are all things that you can do with your children.

Try - “I love to look at pictures of Grammy. It makes me sad because I miss her, but it also makes me happy to remember all of the fun things we did.”

Try - “I love to give hugs just like Pops did, because it reminds me what it felt like to give him a hug”

Try - “When I am sad and missing Daddy, I like to pretend like I am calling him on the phone. I will talk to him and tell him about all of the fun things we have been doing and everything you are learning. I think that maybe he has a way of knowing we are talking to him. Would you like to try to pretend to call him too?”

Books!

I can’t recommend enough giving your kids exposures to themes of death, dying, and grief through books and stories. It is most helpful to have had multiple experiences with these books before someone dies so that they have an understanding of the concepts and feelings that come with it, and that you can revisit when needed. But it is never too late to use books as an invitation to conversations and a way to discuss topics like death and dying.

Check out my post on 7 children’s books about death that I recommend!