The Problem With Saying “Use Your Words”

And what to try instead

You are at a playdate with your child. They reach over and grab the toy from another child’s hands. The other child starts to scream and you say to your child, “Use your words!”

Your child is in their stroller and wants to get out to walk. They start to whine, You say, “Use your words.”

Your children are playing together. One does something the other doesn’t like and they react by hitting their sibling. You rush in and say “Use your words!”

Anywhere you go where there are grown-ups and children, you’ll often hear the phrase “use your words” being tossed around by adults. It is often said to try to get children to use a more socially acceptable way of communication (using words) to solve a dispute, rather than communicating through physical means, whining, or screaming. Do we want children to learn to use their words…absolutely! The issue is, using the phrase “use your words” isn’t how you build the skill of kids being able to use their words to solve conflicts or ask for what they want.

It is important to remember that young kids are doing the best that they can. It isn’t that they don’t want to use their words, it is often that they can’t. Because of this, “use your words” is an unhelpful phrase that we should all stop using.

The three biggest problems with the phrase “use your words”:

1. Your child doesn’t have the words.

A lot of times, children don’t have adequate language skills to express what they are wanting, needing, and feeling. Kids need lots and lots and lots of exposure and practice with phrases in order to use them. They are still sooooo new to this language, and expressing what they want clearly when they are frustrated is just asking too much.

2. Your child cannot access their words.

Often times, when we want children to “use their words” is in the very heat of a moment. They are not in their upstairs thinking brain, they are being driven by their lower brain. They enter flight or fight mode which often causes them to act impulsively before thinking through. Being able to use their words requires them to pause, understand what they are wanting, remain calm enough to use the thinking part of their brain, and then utter the appropriate sentence.

3. Your child doesn’t believe their words will work.

Through past experiences, kids may have learned that “using their words” doesn’t always get them what they want or need. Asking for a turn with a toy sometimes results in a no. Saying “excuse me” doesn’t always get mom’s attention, but screaming and whining certainly does. Often, adults will expect kids to use their words, but kids learn that there are more effective ways to get their needs and wants met.

What to do instead?

Instead of asking your child to “use their words,” here’s what you can do. Observe and model. Notice when situations are escalating. When you feel the urge to remind your child to “use their words,” instead give them the words. Say them in simple form and with the tone of voice you would like them to use. Sometimes a more forceful tone is needed to convey their message, model that. Sometimes a kinder, softer tone is warranted, model that.

It can be helpful to have your child repeat the phrases that you model, but it isn’t necessary, especially if it will result in a power struggle or further escalation. By giving your child the words to use, you are modeling the language and showing how to use them to convey their needs.

As far as a child not believing their words will work, this one requires much more of a long game approach. Your child needs to know that you hear them, you understand them, and you see them. You need to make sure that when they do make attempts at using their words to convey their wants and needs, that they are met as often as reasonable. When modeling using words in situations that you don’t have control over, it can be helpful to let your child in on this knowledge. (ie. You can ask for a turn. They might say yes, they might say no. You can say, “Can I have a turn when you are done?”)

If the goal is for children to eventually learn to “use their words,” we need to help them along the way. Understand and accept that they aren’t able to do it on their own yet, and support them along the way by providing them the words, the regulation, and make sure to show them that their words are powerful.