Being With Your Child
“Being with” involves much more than just staying near your child
A lot of gentle/responsive parenting advice tells parents that when their kids are having a hard time, that they should “be with” their child. But what does that mean? Is it just staying near them? Is it giving them a hug? Is it telling them that they are okay?
“Being with” is a Circle of Security Parenting term. It involves much more than just staying close by your child in their difficult moments. From Circle of Security International: Being with is “the need every child has for caregivers (parents, teachers, etc.) to recognize and honor feelings by staying with core feelings rather than denying their importance.” Translation: Empathy. It creates a shared emotional experience in which your child learns that they are not alone in their feelings. From repeated experience, they learn that humans share key feelings and experience these uniquely. Being with sends your child the message, “I see you, I hear you, I understand you. You are not alone in these feelings, and you are safe.” It is a vital ingredient for a secure attachment relationship.
While you don’t have to stay fully attuned to your child 100% of the time (an impossible ask), the goal is to try doing it much of the time. To “be-with” your child, you must stay fully present, with the goal to understand. You have to learn to be okay with all feelings so you don’t try to push them away. You have to provide a safe and calm base for your child to be able to express their emotions in, free of judgement.
Learning to regulate yourself ensures that you don’t drown in the sea of despair with your child, but can provide the life raft to help them through it. You become a container for their emotions. This allows them to feel their feelings while maintaining a sense of safety. You are there to reassure them that they are safe to feel their feelings with you.
If you respond by ignoring or distracting or minimizing or punishing the feelings your child is having, they will eventually internalize that these feelings are unsafe. If these are your go-to responses to your child’s hard feelings, read more about it here. If instead, you practice “being with” your child, honoring their feelings and experiences in a non-judgmental way, they will learn that their feelings are not something to be feared. They will seem less overwhelming and much more manageable. It is important to remember...feelings are made to be felt, not buried inside of us. Allowing space for your kiddos to feel ALL their feelings is a huge gift!
Central to the idea of “being with” is the knowledge that children learn emotional regulation through the repetition of co-regulation. The learn to self-soothe by the countless times they have been soothed. They learn to manage their feelings by having had practice feeling their feelings alongside a safe adult. Co-regulation breeds regulation.
“Being with” is hard work. It requires you to learn to be okay with all feelings and to keep your calm through it all. It’s hard not to be overwhelmed by big expressions of emotions, and you won’t get it right all the time, but… It’s worth it. Keep showing up!
