“Do No Harm”

When you are triggered by your child, do you have a plan to ensure you will “do no harm?”

I’m so tired. I was up all night last night with the baby and now my toddler is refusing her nap. She is running around the house as I chase her trying to wrestle her into her diaper. I just need her to go to sleep so I can get dinner started before the baby wakes up. She throws all of her books off the shelf and starts screaming her head off. Now the baby is awake. That’s it, I can’t take anymore. I yell “I’ve had enough, You are going for your nap NOW!” I grab her by the arm and half drag/half carry her to her room and shut the door. I slide down the other side of the door and start crying. I think to myself, “I swore I would stop yelling and I did it again. I am a terrible mom.”

As parents, we surely strive to be the calm parent. The one who doesn’t yell. The one who keeps it together all the time, who can stay grounded and regulated. The one that never loses their cool and responds with gentleness to even the most outrageous of our kids’ antics.

But if you make that your goal, you will definitely fall short. The reality is parenting is triggering. Kids have ways of bringing up feelings within parents unlike anybody or anything else. And if you are striving for perfection, you completely miss the opportunity to adjust when “perfect” inevitably doesn’t happen. You end up in a guilt-anger cycle where you constantly feel guilty for not being good enough. You self-sacrifice to try to attain this idealized version of parenthood, end up completely depleted, and when triggered, end up lashing out in similar ways you have in the past, leading to feelings of guilt for not being good enough. (Dr. Sophie Brock is a great resource for learning more about this cycle).

But when we can acknowledge that parenting is triggering and that you won’t always be able to stay calm, cool, and collected, you can begin to make plans for these moments, to allow you the space you need to find regulation without causing big ruptures in your relationship with your children. When we are feeling big emotions bubbling up inside ourselves, obviously our ultimate goal is regulation. When we are showing up to situations regulated, we can think logically, act according to our values, and not escalate the situations. But there are times where we don’t stay regulated, where we get pushed to our limits. In those moments, we need to have a plan to “do no harm.” Let’s talk about these plans.

“Do No Harm” Plans

To create your do no harm plan, you need to do some self-reflection. Without judgment, think back to times when you have been triggered by your children to figure out what your natural inclination is. What is your initial reaction when you have been tipped over the edge?

Maybe you find that your tendency is to yell. Maybe you feel a need to exert power over and get physical with your child, grabbing them or moving them forcefully. Maybe you resort to cruel words or guilt and shame. Or maybe you disconnect, turn away, ignore or dismiss. Whatever your inclination is, you don’t need to feel guilt or shame over it. But being honest to yourself about your tendencies can help you become aware of it so that you can create an effective plan.

Once you have determined your natural inclination, it’s time to come up with alternative things you can do instead to ensure that you can do no harm until you can find your calm again. Whatever you choose for your plan, it needs to be a super simple action that will be accessible to you even in very difficult triggering moments. The goal with these alternative actions is not to be the thing that regulates or calms you down, but to just buy you the time and space to get to a place where you can begin self-regulating.

“Having a “do no harm” plan allows you to expand the space between your reaction and your response”

If your inclination is to yell (or use hurtful or shaming words)…

Your “do no harm” plan might include:

• Biting your tongue

  • I mean this in the very literal sense of actually putting your tongue between your teeth, not just the saying of biting your tongue

• Make up a funny phrase or sound to yell instead

  • Sometimes yelling is about getting energy out of your body, so if you come up with a phrase or sound to yell instead, you can meet your need of releasing energy without saying anything harmful

• Whispering instead

  • The tone of our voice conveys so much, so if you whisper, you can soften the impact of anything you have to say.

  • Whispering is also naturally airy which will force you to focus on breathing out

If your inclination is to get physical…

Your “do no harm” plan might include:

• Sitting on your hands

  • Again, I mean this in the very literal sense of putting your hands under your bottom. By doing this, you ensure you will not reach out and be physical with your child.

• Putting your hands in your pockets

  • When you put your hands in your pockets, you are again making sure that you don’t use them to be physical with your child

• Squeezing and releasing your fists

  • This allows you to dispel some energy physically while not doing any harmful action

• Holding your own hands

  • By grabbing your own hands, you are in a way restraining yourself from getting physical with your child

If your inclination is to disconnect or turn away…

Your “do no harm” plan might include:

• Engaging in physical touch with your child

  • By placing a hand gently on your child, you are able to use a simple connection technique that keeps you near your child

• Make eye contact

  • Eye contact can be such a powerful reminder of our children’s humanity and remind us to pull in closer rather than pushing away

• Feel your feet on the ground

  • By literally grounding yourself, you make it so you aren’t able to turn away
    

Learning strategies to regulate ourselves is key, but this requires us to be able to create a space between our initial reaction and our response. During that pause, it is important for us to have a plan to do no harm until we can find our calm once again.