Let’s Talk About Self Compassion
Reflect: What causes the most guilt/shame in your parenting? Is it the judgment of others, your child’s behaviors, feeling out of control, not having enough time, a messy house, financial struggles, etc.
Parenting is challenging work. And work we care so deeply about. So when things don’t go as we feel they “should” we can easily fall into self-critical thoughts and judgments. But self-criticism and self-judgment can be dysregulating and can actually make us feel paralyzed to being about to learn and grow.
Self compassion is the antidote to self-criticism.
It helps to keep your heart soft and allows your mind to stay curious, two things that are hugely important if we want to parent consciously.
Let’s look at the 3 parts of mindfulness, based on the work of Kristin Neff:
Part 1: Mindfulness
Like any conscious practice, we have to have a level of presence and awareness of our situation. I like to think of this as a thread of consciousness that keeps us connected to our higher-level thinking, even in the hard times. The first part of self-compassion is mindfulness. When we can keep that thread of awareness, we can be mindful of the times that we are falling into self-criticism and self-judgment.
This is where reflection is so vital. Taking a moment to understand what your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and stories are when you are in self-judgment is vital to being able to recognize when self-compassion is warranted.
When we are deep in self-criticism, we tell ourselves stories about ourselves that are often untrue and don’t capture the whole picture. I love Brene Brown’s reflection about the stories we tell ourselves:
“The most powerful stories may be the ones we tell ourselves. But beware—they’re usually fiction.”
Reflect: What stories are you telling yourself when you are in self-criticism and self-judgment as a parent?
Part 2: Self-Kindness
Self-kindness is treating yourself in your moments of struggle with the same care, love, kindness, understand, etc that you would one of your closest and dearest friends. If you had a friend that was going through the same thing that you are, how owuld you speak to them? How would you treat them?
Something that a lot of people get hung up with here is feeling like, “yeah but I’m not deserving of the same kindness, I should just be better.”
When we can take a step back and realize that the reason we struggle in parenting and the reason these struggles bring up so much guilt and shame within us is because we care so deeply, it can be easier to afford ourselves the kindness we deserve.
Whatever is happening in your parenting journey…
You are worthy of kindness.
You are worthy of understanding.
You are worthy of compassion.
You can’t hate and berate yourself to doing better. That comes from compassion.
Part 3: Common Humanity
Common humanity is the realization and acceptance that struggle and suffering is part of life and not unique to your experience. Every human experiences suffering and struggles (especially those who are raising small humans). Suffering and struggle don’t make you bad, they make you human.
Common humanity in parenting is accepting that this isn’t hard because you’re bad at it, it’s hard because it makes sense that it is hard. You are never alone in parenting.
It can feel a bit paradoxical, but when we can stop fighting against the struggles and accept them instead, parenting feels a lot less isolating and the possibility for solutions opens up.
So let’s put it all together:
Here’s an example of what this can look/sound like:
(Mindfulness) I am deep in struggle as a parent and I start noticing a lot of negative self-talk. My feelings of “should” and “not-enoughness” start creeping in. Because I have spent time reflecting, I recognize these thoughts and that thread of consciousness allows me to remember to use self-compassion.
(Self-Kindness) I put a hand on my heart and think to myself: “This moment is so hard. It feels like you don’t know what to do, but you have made it through all of the other uncertain times. It makes sense that you are struggling, because parenting is hard and what you are going through is hard. (Common Humanity) All parents second guess themselves sometimes and it’s because you care. You have what it takes to be the parent your kiddo needs. You’ll get through this.”
Self-compassion is one of those things that is an ongoing practice. The more you do it, the better you get at remembering to use it. But it is something that we all stray from at times. Parenting can be so hard and trying at times. And self-compassion has helped me dig deeper into learning to love myself through those difficult times.
