Independence Comes From Deep Dependence
To understand this concept of independence coming from deep dependence, we have to first understand how our children depend on us. Kids need us to be their safe haven—the person they can come to to meet their physical needs, emotional needs, regulatory needs, etc. They also need us to be their secure base—the base from which they feel secure and safe enough to go out and explore in the world.
The point of the attachment drive is to ensure survival. Human babies and children are helpless to survive without their caregivers. Children have a deep need to be able to depend on their caregivers—in a “no matter what” kind of way. When those needs for a safe haven and secure base are being met, kids naturally want to go out to explore their world.
“A child in an environment where they feel loved and safe will choose to leave their comfort zone. Safe and familiar is ‘boring;’ a safe and stable child is a curious child—they want to explore new things. A child who feels unsafe, however, won’t want this”
-Dr. Bruce Perry
When a child has the opportunity to rest in our love, rest from their work of attachment, play and curiosity will drive them to explore. We do not have to force this.
Societally, we’ve placed such a huge premium on raising independent children. So much so that we hear it being used as praise of our parenting (“Wow, she’s so independent at the park!") or as bragging right (“Yeah she’s been going to sleep independently since she was 4 months old.”)
I think this misses the mark in 2 ways:
1) Independence shouldn’t necessarily be our goal.
Humans are interdependent. That means we have to have a blance of being able to depend on ourselves, being able to depend on other, and allowing others to depend on us. So many of us struggle with turning towards others because being independent is so glorified. It this a struggle we want to pass onto our kids?
2) When we force or train a child towards independence, instead of allowing nature to do it, we are trying to override the powerful attachment drive.
Children are supposed to be immature. And the only cure for immaturity is maturation. We shouldn’t force this to happen sooner. We have to allow our children the time, provide them the environment of caring, warmth, and love. When they have deep roots, their development will flourish. This is really the idea of a secure attachment and all of the benefits it holds.
So it seems a bit paradoxical, that to raise independent kids, we have to foster a deep sense of being able to depend on someone. By parenting responsively, we are creating the foundations for independence, and more importantly interdependence.
