3 Ways You Respond To Your Child’s Emotions That Might Be Hurting More Than Helping
And what to do instead
When your child has very big feelings, it can be triggering, uncomfortable, and difficult for parents. It is important to reflect on your natural inclinations so that you can ensure that you are showing up for your children in a constructive, instead of destructive, way.
Before we dive into what to do, let’s take a look at some of the ways you may naturally try to react when your child is having big feelings that are uncomfortable for you and some of the implications that they may have.
Distract
Your baby is in their car seat, your partner is driving and you are sitting in the back seat hoping that your kid will hold it together for the car ride. Baby starts to get worked up and you can feel the dread creeping up inside you…not again! You immediately start grabbing from your collection of car toys, squeaking the squeakers, shaking the bells, reading the books, clapping your hands, making silly noises and silly faces. Your child looks confused for a minute, gives you a half-hearted smile, and then starts wailing.
If you find yourself trying to distract your child with sounds, games, toys, silly faces, etc when they have big feelings, you may have an inclination to distract your child from their feelings (it’s me!). Your intentions are good, after all, we all want our children to be happy and to not experience distress. However, distraction can send some very mixed messages to your child.
Distraction can be very confusing for children when they are having a hard time. Their body is telling them that they are in distress, but you are sending the message that it is time to play or be silly. Over time, they may begin to internalize that they cannot trust their own feelings and that their feelings are wrong.
Part of raising emotionally intelligent children includes helping them learn to sit with and manage difficult feelings. If you are constantly distracting them from their feelings, they will not have opportunities to sit and feel their feelings and may being to mistrust the cues they are getting. This can lead to a pattern of trying to distract or numb themselves from their hard feelings as they get older.
Try - It can be helpful to try to understand why you feel the need to distract your child. Is it your discomfort with their feelings? Discomfort with the judgment of others? I have found using the mantra "It is not my job to make my child ____ (stop crying/be happy/have fun/etc)" can be very helpful and grounding in times of distress.
Dismiss/Ignore
Your toddler is getting ready for bed. They are looking for their favorite pair of pajamas but can’t find them. You let them know that they are dirty so they cannot wear them tonight. Your toddler starts to get angry. They stomp their feet, yell, throw themselves on the ground, and cry…very, very loudly. You immediately jump in, “Ohh shush. It’s not that big of a deal. They are just pajamas. You have 5 other pairs to pick from. Don’t be so upset.” Your toddler isn’t buying it and continues crying. You finally get tired of the crying so you leave them alone in their room to go fetch the pajamas out of the dirty laundry.
If you find yourself telling your child things like “Shush,” “It’s not a big deal,” “Don’t be sad,” and “You’re okay,” you may have an inclination towards dismissing or ignoring your child’s emotions. This can happen because adults often don’t take children’s feelings seriously. Just because the situation that is causing your child distress may seem trivial or downright ridiculous to you doesn’t mean that the feeling your child has is any less valid.
Dismissing and ignoring your child's feelings can send the message that their feelings are wrong. Being told over and over again that they shouldn’t feel that way, that they are in fact okay, or that their distress isn’t a big deal will eventually lead your child to believing that their feelings aren’t to be trusted. It is important that children learn to recognize the signals they are receiving from their bodies that will cue them into the feelings they are having, and eventually how to be soothed. This can only be done when we help them learn to understand that their feelings are valid.
Try - If you find that you want to dismiss your child’s feelings, it can be helpful to begin by trying to name the feeling for your child. By naming it, it becomes easier to empathize with your child's emotion, even if you can't necessarily empathize with the situation that brought it up. It will allow you to tap into perspective taking so that you can try to understand how your child is feeling. From there, you can work on becoming more comfortable in sitting with your child in their feelings instead of trying to fix the problem or get them to move on from it quickly.
Overreact/Overidentify
You are at the grocery store with your child to grab a few items for dinner. They see the big row of cupcakes and express that they want one. When you tell them that you are only here to grab a few things and you aren’t going to be buying cupcakes this time, your child becomes angry. They start yelling about how they want the cupcake, that you are mean, that you never buy them anything, and on and on. After trying to explain again how you are just there to grab a few things, you feel your face getting hot with anger and embarrassment as your child continues screaming. You can feel their anger becoming yours as you take them out of the shopping cart abruptly. You abandon your cart, head outside, and start in on your kid about how they are inconvenient, they never do what they’re told, and how you won’t buy them cupcakes ever again. You are fuming because you didn’t get your groceries, and your child quietly cries on the car ride home.
If you find yourself overwhelmed by your child's emotions and feeling them as if they were your own, you may have a tendency to overreact or overidentify. When you are unable to stay grounded when your child is in distress, you may begin feeling their distress as if it were your own. You may end up joining in with their big emotions instead of being the sturdy lighthouse in their storm. The same is true with feelings of sadness, embarrassment, exclusion, etc. When you overidentify with your child's emotions, they may learn that their feelings are something to be feared. That is, they may learn that if the person they are supposed to be able to rely on for safety, comfort, and regulation is reacting this way, the situation must be even worse than they imagined.
Responding with empathy is the goal. But we don’t want to overdo it. It can be helpful to think of yourself as a safe container for your child’s emotions. Your job is to hear, try to understand, accept, and help them express their emotions, not feel all of their feelings as if they were your own.
Try - Remind yourself that your child’s feelings are not an emergency. Figure out what helps you to stay regulated so you don’t end up joining your child’s dysregulation. This can be counting to 10, taking deep breaths, taking a parent time-out, having some mantras you can use, etc.
So what is the better option?
Validate, Empathize, & Remain Calm
When you validate your child’s feelings, you send multiple messages. First, it tells that that you see them, helping to build connection. It lets them know that their feeling is in fact real and valid, which helps to promote emotional development. By responding gently and with empathy your child will get the message that their feeling is acceptable and that you still accept them. Lastly, by remaining calm, your child will be able to count on you to help them feel their feeling safely and express it in acceptable ways.
When you can validate your child's feelings and respond with empathy, you are helping them with the lifelong skill of learning to sit with and handle all of life's emotions without shying away or being overwhelmed by them. You are able to provide safety, guidance, and acceptance while they learn what it feels like to go from a state of dysregulation to one of regulation. They are learning to trust their feelings, instead of suppressing or numbing them.
Try - Finding tools that you can fall back on to stay calm in the midst of your child's big feelings is key. Learning to recognize and acknowledge your own discomfort will help you move towards being able to lean in and empathize with your child's emotions, without getting pulled in to their distress. This can take a lot of self-reflection and learning to lean in to your own feelings.
Intentional and responsive parenting is hard work. Most solutions lie within doing our own work and in tons of reflection instead of in tips and tricks. While it may be much harder for us to approach parenting this way, the pay-off is double. Not only will your children reap all the benefits of a secure attachment, but you will find that you are healing your own old wounds, feeling more fulfilled, and able to handle the ups and downs of life with more resilience. I’d say that it’s worth it!
