Praise = Judgment

“Good job.” “Wow, your picture is beautiful.” “I love when you are kind to your sister.”

Praise is one of those hot button topics when it comes to kids. How much praise is too much praise? How often should I praise my kids? Is one kind of praise better than another? Doesn’t praise help their self-esteem?

The thing is, when you break it down, praise is really a judgement of your child or their actions. While these positive judgements might give your child a small temporary boost of confidence, over time, praise can have a few different effects.

-Kids become praise junkies, constantly seeking validation from others instead of finding value from within
-Praise is a kind of reward (verbal reward), so it has the same consequences as other types of rewards, like less resilience and diminished motivation
-Praise is conditional, and it’s so important that our children perceive our love as unconditional

It is not a big leap from “I like when you…” to “I like you when…” to “I don’t like you when you don’t…”

Praise is a hard habit to break, especially since many of us were raised during the “self-esteem” craze of the 80s and 90s. I don’t think anyone will be able to fully move beyond praise, but it is important to examine what effects and what message praise is conveying to your children.

Instead of praising, you can try to give encouragement. See second slide for examples! And if you do find yourself wanting to praise your kids, try to praise their effort and their process, not their ability.

Alfie Kohn’s books “Unconditional Parenting” and “Punished by Rewards” are fantastic resources if you want to dive more into understanding why we should try to steer away from praise.

Carol Dweck’s research on praise is helpful in understanding what types of praise can be more useful than others.