Moving Beyond Rewards and Punishments

Let’s talk a bit about why you might want to move away from rewards and punishments as a conscious parent.

Now, if you are feeling like this idea of not using rewards and punishments can feel over the top, a bit too radical, and like maybe we are trying to take this whole “gentle parenting” thing too far, I hear you. When I first heard about this idea, I, too, sort of scoffed and said “yeah right…” But when you start to take into consideration what your long-term goals for parenting are, and what rewards and punishments teach your children, I think you will become a believer as well.

Like many things within the conscious parenting sphere, knowing the “how” doesn’t get us as far if we don’t understand the “why.” Changing habits can be hard, especially ones that have been ingrained in us from our childhoods, reinforced by society, and are accepted as mainstream (like rewards and punishments are). I have found that when we are wanting to create big shifts within us, our mindset matters more than what we do. Change your mindset and the changes in your actions will naturally follow.

Here are 6 mindset shifts to help you align with moving beyond rewards and punishments: 

Kids are their behaviors > Kids as whole people

The old mindset says that children are the amalgamation of their behaviors, that they are “good” or “bad” based solely on how well they behave. The new mindset starts from understanding that behavior is the outward expression of how children are experiencing their external and internal world. It leaves room for understanding children as complex and whole people. 

Conditional Parenting > Unconditional Parenting

The old mindset says that children are deserving of love, affection, gentleness, help, etc only when they meet certain standards for behavior. The new mindset starts  from believing that children are ALWAYS deserving of love, affection, gentleness, help, etc, even if, or especially when, their behaviors might be unpleasant. It is believing that you cannot spoil a child with love and connection, but that leading with love will always be the right choice. 

Controlling > In Control

The old mindset says that it is a parent’s job to control their children. The new paradigm requires us to let go of the need to control your child, and focus more on being in control of your own behaviors, reactions, and responses. 

Power Over > Power in the service of

The old mindset says that the parental relationship requires parents to hold power over their children, to show them who is in charge, who is the boss. The new mindset says that a parent’s place in the relationship is to use their power in the service of their child’s growth and development. To use their power to take charge in kind ways. 

Coercion > Respect

The old mindset says that coercion must be used to motivate children to perform and behave in ways we desire, in order to shape them into the kind of people we want them to be. The new mindset starts from a place of respect for who the child is, their individual temperament, desires, wants, and needs. Honoring the child’s innate worthiness for respect is the foundation of a healthy parenting-child relationship.

Doing to > Working With

The old mindset has parents looking for different strategies they can do to their child to help control their development. The new mindset says that parents can work with their children to solve problems together. It is rooted in the idea that children are capable and that their thoughts, opinions, and desires matter.

I have so much compassion for parents who find promise in the behaviorist model of parenting. The stakes of parenting are undoubtedly high. Parenting feels uncertain. So it makes sense that there is allure to parenting in a way that can be broken down into formulas, tips, and tricks. However, if you’re here, you are likely looking for a shift. But how can you leave behaviorism behind? What is going to take it’s place.

The answer lies in this whole paradigm shift. We must change the way we see and approach our role as parents and our children as people. When you can open your eyes and hearts to viewing parenting through this new lens, you will no longer be searching for the “right” answers, but will instead learn to be your child’s answer. And from that vantage point, there are endless possibilities for what to “do”.

So you know you want to make this shift, but you’re still feeling a bit lost as to what it ACTUALLY takes?
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