“NO, ME DO IT”
If you have a toddler, you’ve probably heard this phrase 3957693 times…today.
This familiar toddler battle cry is actually a cornerstone of toddlerhood. It’s a developmental imperative that signifies a crucial step in their journey towards self-discovery. Toddlers, with their blossoming sense of self, have a high drive for autonomy. "Do it myself!!!" becomes their mantra as they assert their newfound understanding of their individuality and understanding of themselves separate from their caregivers. It's an essential, yet messy phase; one that fosters their burgeoning sense of self-awareness.
However, this drive for independence can often outpace their actual capabilities. It leads to situations where they're simultaneously insistent on doing things themselves and in need of your assistance. It can be an exhausting dance, them needing independence, yet still depending on you so deeply.
So often I will suggest something, and my daughter E tells me “NO” and then turns around and suggests the exact same thing. Exasperating? No doubt.
In the midst of this push and pull, it's crucial to remember that we can't, and shouldn't, expect toddlers not to act like toddlers. They're in the throes of a transformative phase, learning and asserting their independence while still having very little agency over their emotional regulation.
So what are you to do?
Embrace Flexibility: Offer flexibility where you can. Allow them ample opportunities to experiment and try things out on their own. Sit on your hands, bite your tongue. Give them the space and time as they learn to navigate the world in their own time.
Let Them Be Right: Let go of the need to be "right" or to clap back with things like “that’s literally what I suggested.” It takes some big-time emotional maturity to just let some things go.
Empathize: Try to understand how frustrating it must be for them, watching grown-ups do things with ease while they themselves are fumbling around. Meet these emotions with empathy, understanding, and co-regulation. Their frustration is very real.
Fill Up Their Power Cups: Pass over some meaningful and age-appropriate control. It not only quiets their counterwill instinct, but affirms their agency, reinforcing the idea that their voice and choices matter.
Stepping In as the Guide: There will be moments when your role as the bigger, stronger, wiser, and kinder parent is essential. In these moments, it can be helpful (and important) to come alongside them in support, instead of simply powering over.
Remember, toddlerhood is just a season. It's tough being 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5), and these moments of independence-seeking will evolve into new challenges. Embrace this phase as much as possible, and delight in the loud and messy ways your child is emerging.
If your days are filled with echoes of "NO ME DO IT!" take heart. You're in good company. Embrace the paradox, offer flexibility, and step in when needed. Your gentle guidance will help them navigate this phase, fostering their independence and self-assurance as they emerge from infancy as their very own person. Watch as the “me do it”s and frustration become "I did it myself!"s with proud grins.
